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Seaside

As swallows turning backward
When half-way o'er the sea,
At one word's trumpet summons
They came again to me -
The hopes I had forgotten
Came back again to me.

But be my hopes rewarded,
Or be they but in vain,
I have dreamed a golden vision,
I have gathered in the grain -
I have dreamed a golden vision,
I have not lived in vain. 

~Robert Louis Stevenson

Shiny and Dark

I've been filling this this with lots o fluff-n- honey, when...well...coupled with the fact I'm having a bad day, I'm going to let lose, and if you don't like what you read here, then...click that little X on the top corner and don't read it.  I really don't care. 

I have a really great life (all sarcasm aside, I do, honestly).  But I sit on the curb of 28 and look back at my 20's and think...what have I accomplished?  Of course, the typical answer is duh...a family, a husband, two great kids (who are by the way, great but driving me insane today with summers charm to bring out the worst in sibling bickering over obscure objects such as a Popsicle stick or a penny.  Really?!  A friggin penny.)

*I toss one at them* There ya go kids, knock yourself out, I have a whole jar in the laundry room, so have at it! *walks inside and crack into the liquor cabinet*  <--- wipe that look off your face, it was a joke.  A JOKE.  We don't even have a liquor cabinet.  I'm not a lush, or a mother who drinks on duty. A JOKE...ooookay- moving on...

So yes, back to my wonderful life, like I said, it would be obvious to list the...erm...obvious as my accomplishments.  But what I really mean are all of my life's dreams and ambishions that I've never completed.  Never fulfilled.  Never finished pursuing.

I unpack them from the dusty cornors of my brain from time to time dust them off and imagine what my life would be like had I actaully finished what I started.  I organize them into neat little catagories and set up a type of trophy case to show them off.  Little spotlights illuminating them in a soft heavenly glow.  All shinny and pretty and perfect.

But, in reality,  they're floating in unfulfilled dream purgatory as dark faceless ghosts, sifting through the ash of other burnt up dreams and desires. 

I know that's morbid and dark, but...I'm not going to apologize.

Those things, deferred dreams and hopeless accomplishments, are chained and shackled for the time being, maybe forever, as you see my life has changed so drastically over the last 10 years.  Most of them seem pretty pointless/ impossible/ overdue and stale now.  Some I'm okay to lay to rest, and others I still hold an imaginary rope to, pulling its sorry weighted around behind me like a stinky load of laundry up a 1000 steps to the top  of Mt. PerfectionofMotherhood.  Its like, impossible to hold on to, yet incomprehensible to let go.  I'm weighted down and freed by these things in equal parts.  I suppose that's why I've maintained all these years.  Maintained. Not failed or succeeded, just...stayed in limbo. 

Well I've grown weary of limbo.  I'm tired of putting everyone else before me.  I'm tired of seeing everyone else make it happen and, me sitting on the sidelines with my dirty laundry that I organize, fold and iron only to be drug through the mud again.  Its ridiculous.  Someone needs to bend for me now. Its time to cease the day, go for the gold, break the chains, make it happen, take the bull by the horns!  Total world domination is within my grasp!!!!  Dun dun DUN!!! 

  GASP?!!!!

*rolls eyes again and tosses another penny at my kids while taking a slow sip of tea and letting it turn bitter in my mouth*

Alright, so maybe that was a little over the top, no?  Perhaps things are more simple and I'm being a tad dramatic.  Yeah.  I know I am.

The thing is, its just not my time yet.  I'm semi okay with that. More so than not.  So it'll do for now.   I'm happy to see my children and husband prosper.  Its not at my sacrafice.  I do have an extraordinary life that I'm very thankful for.  I am, truly, a mostly joyous woman. Its my dream to see them (my children) well and happy.  I'm serious.  It is.  I just want a little...a little something for myself.  That's all. 

Maybe the 12 issues of Martha Stewart will ease the hunger pains of fulfillment for awhile?  I'll be inspired with the smaller scale of things I actaully can accomplish, like a delicious meal and mad skillz with the hot glue gun.   <--- Yes, I just went there with a "z".  Sue me. 

Add a dash of date nights with my husband where I can put on a pair of 6 inch heels and pretend to be super model status (those of us who lack the kindness of vertical genes find solace in things like this), a side of good girlfriends, topped off with a steamy romance novel (kidding, kidding...kinda....*sideways glaces* don't judge).  Also an ability to see that this is but a stage of life that passes too quickly in the night to worry over my imaginary Olympic Gold Figure Skating Medal.  I'll be content.  I'll be okay, and life, will bring me success in ways I probably can't even imagine right in the here and now.  Right?  Right!


*HEY!!!  Get that penny outta yer nose!!!!*

 Alright, I've got to go rescue the money kids.  

Vacation

4 More days until I can escape to the city.  NY is calling my name. 

Because I'm having a bad day and I want to.

I just ordered myself a little birthday present, that will last for 12 months.

A tiny seed

I'm inspired and intrigued.  Maybe this is old news {I'm a stay at home mom, cut me some slack- my world consists of bubbles and playdoh} yet I just discovered THIS: Seed Vault and my mouth dropped. 

Even cooler- I've been there!  Okay, not in the Seed Vault, but in 2006 we spent a day on Longyearbyen, Svalbard hiking a glacier with a dog, a guide and a shot gun.  Oh yeah, I was 6 months pregnant too.  Fun times!

Speaking of seeds, one more thing I found, that I have not seen but think it would be so beautiful in person is this:  The Seed Cathedral

Curious and Curiouser

Successful bee capture on a late summer afternoon. I wonder what will be of this little boy one day?

Also of note:  The plastic dino in the background.  Ha!

Local Lephrechauns

I do realize this is majorly out of season/ order/ organizational deficiency syndrome, but I've throw in the towel in attempts to make everything chronological.  It just ain't gunna happen.

Ahem...without further ado, I give you, my St. Patrick's Day Post.

Local Leprechauns!

For the past two years the boys and I spend a few days making goody bags full of golden/ green treats and cleaver little notes and mysteriously leave them at friends door steps around St. Patrick's Day.  The idea is to show our good friends just how "Lucky" we are to have them in out lives.  A heartfelt thanks for being friends who we can count on, trust, giggle with and live life with.  The previous year was a huge success, even when we were caught by our unsuspecting recipients.  This year....well nearly every house we stopped at we were caught, and brought a few tears to the eyes of a certain 3 year old.  Seriously, isn't life just ironic.  Who know, being caught by smiling faces was going to cause such heartache?! 

Annnnd....our actually St. Patrick's Day morning mystery.  I am however perplexed as to how my 6 year old knows the tooth fairy is his mother, yet completely clueless as to how the milk in the fridge turned green, or better yet; the green paper cut out feet taped to the wall are truly footprints left by the sneaky little green men who jiffied their way into our house in the middle of the night?!  Baffled!

Fresh

Fresh from our garden, we found some wonderful winter vegetables over the cooler months this year.  They proved to make hearty soups and stews all winter long, not to mention two curious little boys delighted at their garden's progress.  And yes-  there are some benefits to living in San Diego, like 75 degree weather in mid February (when these pictures were taken).