I have a really great life (all sarcasm aside, I do, honestly). But I sit on the curb of 28 and look back at my 20's and think...what have I accomplished? Of course, the typical answer is duh...a family, a husband, two great kids (who are by the way, great but driving me insane today with summers charm to bring out the worst in sibling bickering over obscure objects such as a Popsicle stick or a penny. Really?! A friggin penny.)
*I toss one at them* There ya go kids, knock yourself out, I have a whole jar in the laundry room, so have at it! *walks inside and crack into the liquor cabinet* <--- wipe that look off your face, it was a joke. A JOKE. We don't even have a liquor cabinet. I'm not a lush, or a mother who drinks on duty. A JOKE...ooookay- moving on...
So yes, back to my wonderful life, like I said, it would be obvious to list the...erm...obvious as my accomplishments. But what I really mean are all of my life's dreams and ambishions that I've never completed. Never fulfilled. Never finished pursuing.
I unpack them from the dusty cornors of my brain from time to time dust them off and imagine what my life would be like had I actaully finished what I started. I organize them into neat little catagories and set up a type of trophy case to show them off. Little spotlights illuminating them in a soft heavenly glow. All shinny and pretty and perfect.
But, in reality, they're floating in unfulfilled dream purgatory as dark faceless ghosts, sifting through the ash of other burnt up dreams and desires.
I know that's morbid and dark, but...I'm not going to apologize.
Those things, deferred dreams and hopeless accomplishments, are chained and shackled for the time being, maybe forever, as you see my life has changed so drastically over the last 10 years. Most of them seem pretty pointless/ impossible/ overdue and stale now. Some I'm okay to lay to rest, and others I still hold an imaginary rope to, pulling its sorry weighted around behind me like a stinky load of laundry up a 1000 steps to the top of Mt. PerfectionofMotherhood. Its like, impossible to hold on to, yet incomprehensible to let go. I'm weighted down and freed by these things in equal parts. I suppose that's why I've maintained all these years. Maintained. Not failed or succeeded, just...stayed in limbo.
Well I've grown weary of limbo. I'm tired of putting everyone else before me. I'm tired of seeing everyone else make it happen and, me sitting on the sidelines with my dirty laundry that I organize, fold and iron only to be drug through the mud again. Its ridiculous. Someone needs to bend for me now. Its time to cease the day, go for the gold, break the chains, make it happen, take the bull by the horns! Total world domination is within my grasp!!!! Dun dun DUN!!!
GASP?!!!!
*rolls eyes again and tosses another penny at my kids while taking a slow sip of tea and letting it turn bitter in my mouth*
Alright, so maybe that was a little over the top, no? Perhaps things are more simple and I'm being a tad dramatic. Yeah. I know I am.
The thing is, its just not my time yet. I'm semi okay with that. More so than not. So it'll do for now. I'm happy to see my children and husband prosper. Its not at my sacrafice. I do have an extraordinary life that I'm very thankful for. I am, truly, a mostly joyous woman. Its my dream to see them (my children) well and happy. I'm serious. It is. I just want a little...a little something for myself. That's all.
Maybe the 12 issues of Martha Stewart will ease the hunger pains of fulfillment for awhile? I'll be inspired with the smaller scale of things I actaully can accomplish, like a delicious meal and mad skillz with the hot glue gun. <--- Yes, I just went there with a "z". Sue me.
Add a dash of date nights with my husband where I can put on a pair of 6 inch heels and pretend to be super model status (those of us who lack the kindness of vertical genes find solace in things like this), a side of good girlfriends, topped off with a steamy romance novel (kidding, kidding...kinda....*sideways glaces* don't judge). Also an ability to see that this is but a stage of life that passes too quickly in the night to worry over my imaginary Olympic Gold Figure Skating Medal. I'll be content. I'll be okay, and life, will bring me success in ways I probably can't even imagine right in the here and now. Right? Right!
*HEY!!! Get that penny outta yer nose!!!!*
Alright, I've got to go rescue the
You ARE accomplishing major things my luv..... Umm, did you read that?? You are a gifted and talented writer!!!! SO amazing. Good community college right down the road, I think a creative writing class might be a nice lil stepping stone.... Hello, the next Stephine Myer?? :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, this post made me cry. I feel you. Giving your 20s to a husband and small children seems like a betrayal of all the adolescent dreams and "girls can" messages we've held dear. I just wonder how I'll TRULY feel when I'm 40. Will I go, "yeah, it was worth it," or,"oh my gosh, I'm useless." I don't know. It can be hard to have perspective at this point. I do know that you are AMAZING inside though, and you are contributing. You can do what you put your mind to do. And I'm not just saying that. Also, it's okay to feel regret about those dreams. It would be weird if you didn't, I think. *fistbump*
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